The balance I am seeking lies somewhere between ego, confidence, and the guilt I feel when speaking my mind. The heart is open when we are weak, and it is a challenge to keep it open during our day to day life. Strength is not found by holding on tight, it is found when you can let it go.
On my way back from my trip to Cline with Catlin, I sat in my car alone and thought. I often have had ample time to be in my head and work on myself. Of late, I have had no time to myself, which is an obserd thought as I have had all the time to do with as I please. My thoughts were on what was to come. When the future is the same as the present, and NAM makes life clear, it often leads to more pain due to the simple fact that you realize that you cannot control what is to come.
I did not know the way to my own heart. Seeking the help I needed was far from myself at the time, and seeking to help others had become a strange and awkward experience. I am no one to help anyone else with meditation or positive thinking and I ended up driving the opposite direction than was home. I drove to my parents house and hit the hot waters to soak.
There was ample time to work on myself, but I was caught up in nothing. I was not focused on mountains, I was not focused on myself. I came home to my mom stressing about the funeral for her mother. I had been trying to help others too much, yet preaching to the community that working on yourself is the way to help others. Everyone constantly sees what they hate in themselves in the people around them. It makes sense, in the sense that we are all one. The reflection of our true self is evendent in the community that surrounds us. The narcissist is all of us, whether we see it or not. Everyone acts on this, and it defines our friends, our family, and our community lives.
My mom was a wreck. She was not spreading hate very much, yet that is something she can dive deep into like the rest of us. She was full of worry for the future. The passing of my grandmother was hard on my family. It was seen from so far away, and the things we cannot change, but see, has the greatest affect on our confidences moving forward. My mom was telling me I needed to pray for others. She was saying I should have been praying for my grandmother. I have not prayed for anyone else in years. It is not like I am praying for personal gain, I have just realized that praying for others comes in a two-fold issue.
First off, one must work on themselves. You cannot go out into the world trying to save it, if you cannot save yourself. It relates to the biblical mesage that you must take the speck out of your own eye before attempting to remove the twig from your neighbor’s. We are almost always blind to the hate that we have buried inside of our heart. This hate affects our descisions, our actions, and our outlook on life. There is no sane way to give anyone advice, in any situation. Period. We all have original sin. We all harbour hate inside. It is about understanding that you cannot look inside anothers head. You cannot know what motivates another. You can only see thier actions, which can give insight to their intent. Intent is all that matters, and no human can ever judge another, for the simple fact that you will never have enough information to know where their heart lies in the situation. If the intent is pure, yet the action is flawed, it is still up to the individual to come to terms with it, and learn.
Secondly, if one is praying for another, it is selfish. And that is a simple fact. If you are praying for another, it is because it leads back to yourself. There is no way that you can pray for another, that does not lead to a benefit for someone other than the person you are focusing on. The one who ‘needs’ the prayer can only be helped by the grid if they are open and accepting. Praying that someone will wake up to thier own reality would be the best way to pray for another, and then they would really only be helping themselves. The grid is ever present, and it is constantly showing it’s power to those with an open eye. It is the individual who chooses to see the signs of the path to move forward, and just like intent, there is nothing another can do for them if they are not already doing it for themselves. If you are praying for another to have good health or luck, it is really the grid that is providing these things, and they are always there if the individual wants to accept it. You are praying for another’s health because of how it will affect your life, or other’s lives that are entangled.
I expressed this thought to my mother in the simplest of ways. She called me selfish in such an angry and hateful way that it still hurts more than I ever thought words could. How dare I not pray for my grandmother? How selfish was I to only be thankful for my provisions, seek understanding with the community, and ask deep forgiveness for seeking my own life, when there is a clear path that I constantly ignore? My mother was triggered. She was pure hate. Hate is such a contagious safety blanket and it is uber painful to watch others go through the motions of having it come to the surface, only to be buried in order to feel better. No one wants to purposely entertain hateful emeotion and thoughts. And I certainly do not want to spread hate to my mother.
The relationship between myself and my family is fucked beyond anything I thought would ever happen. I am not living up to thier expectations and I am not the person that grew up in thier household. I am a man in a body. I am a man that will change everything that is me to grow and learn. I left with my entire extended family behind. I cared not for them anymore. They have their own paths, and mine is the only I should focus on, for it is the only one I can change. I cannot help another, without helping myself first. Is that ego? Standing up for myself is an issue I have. It draws on the Left, and ego can follow, so I would rather bend over and make you feel strong and important.
I met up with a climber that I had met at Will Gadd’s house the year prior. An individual that is beyond a life that I can describe. An idividual that is too easy to describe, yet also one I cannot fully understand for the clear reason that I truly do not care. We ascended Mount Denny together in an event that I am still hesitant thinking about. I was the epitaph of shit. That may be my own opinion, but I have learnt so much since then, and my opinion has only become clearer. Not on him, but myself and my own actions. The aspects of the ascent was mundane. Our conversations bland. I had summited just to do a summit, and that was done for the wrong reasons.
I am not going into the details of this trip. It does not matter. Some random ascent of some rarely ascended peak in Kananaskis. We found the FA tin film cannister and I handed it into the ACC in Canmore, and I shared the stoke. I actually did not care, yet was excited for what it meant to the community. I came home more lost than I ever have been before, even more lost than when a family that was fucking with me drove me 100km away from where I was expecting to go, and dropped me off homeless in the woods with everything that I owned on my back. The solo time I needed in the mountains was never found. I was more lost than ever when I returned to the Fraser Plateau. The urge to get out of the hole in the ground called Williams Lake was so strong upon return that I broke down and became something that was so far from what I was.
I sought validation. There is no reason to ever seek it, yet it is a thing that can help so much once achived. Validation gives confidence without ego. Yet seeking it only brings the ego. The balance I had between Ego and Id was fucked beyond belief. I returned to the place I called home with a stress that was settling in more than I ever thought that a place could give me. I did not move forward. I remained stagnate. And Catlin and I started to plan our trip to Willingdon, a trip that was only going to happen when I was to return to Alberta for the funeral that was so heavy on my family’s heart.